Why I hate drinking water

When I drink water, I pee. Uncontrollably.

I work with a guy who carries a gallon jug of water and chugs it throughout the day. He goes through multiple jugs.

How does he operate? How does he NOT spend his whole waking day over the toilet?

I take one sip of water, and I pee a gallon out. That’s the proportion. They say water should hydrate me, but the way I see it, it’s pulling every ounce of water out of my soul.

When I just drink coffee, soda, juice — even beer — or anything else, I’m fine.

But add water into the mix and look out.

I’ve never been a big water fan. When I was a kid, I much preferred soft drinks to water. The way I rationalized it was, the tap water couldn’t be healthy in the San Joaquin valley of California. It just couldn’t. I knew this because I saw what the water did to our pipes and appliances. Our washer hoses would constantly become clogged with yellowish white mineral deposits. If we didn’t clean the sink with cleanser after every use, a dry, flaky film would build on it. If we went a few days without cleaning it, it’d get to the point where we’d have to scrape it off with steel wool or a flat head screwdriver.

Think of what that would do to my stomach and intestines. I figured the carbonation from the soda would kill all the bad stuff. Right?

Besides, water is just kinda… blah. It has no real taste. Kind of a waste of a substance, enjoyment-wise. If I could choose between quenching my thirst with stuff that tastes good and stuff that tastes like liquid air, why would I pick the latter?

Not only that, but I hate public bathrooms. I have terrible urinal phobia. The concept of standing next to another man, both wielding our wankers, seems like a medieval notion. There’s always those guys who can’t shake off the urge to strike up a conversation with you while you’re trying to concentrate to get the stream going. Like — I’ve been working with you for two years now. When I sit across from you in the cafe’, you totally ignore me. But when we pee side-by-side, we’re pals all of a sudden.

And they always inappropriately fart mid-diatribe. Right in the middle of their story, as they’re peeing, they’ll pause, stick out their ass, and rip one, then keep talking. Some will even grunt. It’s like they throw out every social rule in the book — these rules of conduct that keep our civilized world intact — when they stand in front of the urinal.

It’s even worse when it’s silent. You’re there, concentrating, and some dude walks up to the urinal next to you. And it’s quiet. If you freeze up, like me, you’re completely exposed as a weaker man. You can clearly hear that his stream is strong and full and yours is mute.

A lot of this phobia stems from my misspent youth. In junior high, my friends and I would go to our local minor league baseball games to pass the time. Towards the end of the game, we’d go into the bathroom, walk up to people who were peeing in the urinal, and do horrible things. We’d grab their hips and shake them, spraying urine everywhere, or we’d pull their pants down. Then, we’d run. We’d never get caught. Our targets had their pants down and were usually mid-stream when we struck. They may run a few steps, but they’d never run out of the privacy of the restroom to get us.

I never had the cajones to do this, but I was a close witness to the shenaniganry. Knowing this could be done to someone put me always on the alert. Who knew? I could be the next victim.

Plus, I’m hardly ever thirsty. Seriously, I’m like a camel. I can go all day. Of course, I drink coffee throughout my whole day, so I guess I’m getting hydrated from that. I’ve always thought all those ‘experts’ who say the water in your coffee, tea, soda, beer, etc. doesn’t count as ‘water’ are full of it. It’s water in there. I’m drinking it. Seems fine to me.

Now, of course, if I was playing basketball or running a marathon, I’d drink water because I’d be thirsty. But I spend most of my day in front of a screen. Not exactly the aerobic, water-depleting event.

I don’t know. Maybe I should drink more water.

Jonas shares short, whimsical daily meditations here on Medium and around the web. To get them delivered straight to your inbox as soon as they’re live, click here.

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