When I want


When I want, I grasp, grab, reach, get off balance, and fall short.

When I want, what I do manage to grasp falls like sand between my fingers.

When I need, I curl up in a ball with a scowl on my face and plead, deservingly.

When I take, my fingers get stiff and my nails plunge into my palms, bloodying them.

When I seek, I look and look and look to no avail. Like a mad man with a quickly dying flashlight, I bump into things and stub my toes, bang my knees, and hit my head on the room that closes in on me.

But when I know…

When I know and when I center myself on the rock-solid strength that is right here and right now — I want, need, take, or seek nothing.

When I know, I realize that all I wanted is already here.

When I know, I give. And what I give comes back.

When I know, I live. And how I live comes back.

It starts here.

There is nothing out there.

I know.

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This essay first appeared on JonasEllison.com